Dear readers, welcome back to another chapter of my university life. Of my life. Some may had noticed, such long interval of 'rest' had occur to this blog.
Honestly, I am not eager to continue writing. I had been surprised by an event in April, which forever will haunt me. I often said, "Forgive but not forgotten". But as for what had happen in April, there will be an exception; I shall never forgive myself, nor shall I ever forget.
Anguish, I secluded myself from the world. From isolation, did I finally found peace. I begin to accept fate as it is.
But I am a stubborn man. Stubborn enough to not let go, nailing myself with regrets.
To write more and elaborate in great details of what had happen would really upsets me. Memories of it hurts whenever they replayed in my mind. I can't afford to be in tears.
Especially when I am writing this in public restaurant (laugh).
Yet tears and gloom had been my friends for these past few weeks.
I truly felt sorry for my companions, for my changed behavior did some effect on them. I try, I really did, to cheer up last week. But in doing so, the hole in the heart seem not to close, but widen. The gap is large, large enough to filled me in the dark void whenever I am left unprepared. Or even when I am prepared for it. Fatigue from the role play and the after effects, I admitted defeat to the Pain and just let it savored me.
The only peace I could find was when I am alone, praying to Him. The only time I could afford a smile, is when I am with my family, as I play a role of a strong son, a motivating brother. Occasionally, getting myself workout with outdoor activities (hiking, trekking) seem to release me from the strain I'm having.
...
Then May came.
I was again bombarded with misfortunes. Sadly enough, the pain this time is not for a singular being. The impact of these disasters hit the very community of people I am in. My batch, and possibly my juniors as well.
I always believe in first impression. My first impression to 'them' had been bad. Yet, oddly enough I choose to put aside my belief and convince myself to trust 'them'.
More hideous faces shown, yet I choose to stay put.
Now, being too late for anything but regret, I could only exhaled air of frustration as another disaster occurred.
Yes, we are frustrated. We really are.
I wonder why we didn't have the behavior of our ancestor, who are said to be famous for their 'amuk'?
We could really used some 'amuk' right now.
Maybe after that something will happen.
Conclusion of these two months; I am in despair. I really am.
2 comments:
oh my friend...i just hope you hiatus did brought you some insight deep into yourself. we are human and we are entitled to flaws and setbacks.learn from mistakes we've made. i hope you well. :-)
Aw shame brother! Think we all go through periods of despair in our lives (One of my prof's used to say Life sucks - we just have to live it!)Nway always remember Allah never tests you with something you cant handle. InshaAllah everything will work out well for you.
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